Archive for Funny

Classic Top Gear

For those of you who have never lived in the UK, you’ve probably never had the opportunity of watching the BBC Top Gear TV programmes. Some would say you’ve not missed much and are better off watching Dallas, but most would say you’ve missed some fine entertainment, including the US who just gave the show a Global Emmy.

Google video comes to the rescue once more with a short clip for your entertainment:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6784354703472305949&q=top+gear

If you enjoy Clarkson’s humour in this episode, check out your local TV guide as episodes do play all over the world.

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More fun

Spotted Google now has a video search engine up.

This one made me smile for some reason, perhaps it was the culmination of watching several other people try to dance too :)

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5184484629705931447

This one took some time but is very good, much more serious:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2451231318029772790

You could spend all day on here just find nuggets!

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The Mac Developer’s GF

This post really made me smile:

http://www.emilyhambidge.com/blog/emily/66/

There are a lot of truths and experience in there somewhere…

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Job Application Joke

Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”

Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”

Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”

Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.'”

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Switch to Linux

Found this on the web. Must remember these hints when my aims in life include world domination.

Switch to Linux

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Windows Vista

An interesting new name. Spotted this around and it made me laugh:

‘ctrl-alt-del’ will now be known as : ‘hasta la vista’

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Actual Court Transcripts

Some daily humor… these are from actual court transcripts:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
______________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

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Tech support

My most recent call to HP was almost a recording of this:

http://www.illwillpress.com/tech.html

Just when will the corporations learn?

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The Blind Pilots

The door opens, two men dressed in Pilots’ uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forth coming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they’re headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, “You know, Bob, one of these days, they’re gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die.”

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Learn about yourself

Check this site out to learn a lot about yourself. Or perhaps more correctly, what google thinks of you:

http://www.googlism.com

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